Hope For The Hopeless
by Normal-is-Overratedx
Summary: "If you're reading this, it means I'm dead. I took my own life." AU: Jane and Maura meet in a mental hospital TRIGGER WARNING
1. Chapter 1

**TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide attempt, self-harm, depression ext. **

**Author's Note: **_I just can't write one thing at a time. I've had this idea in my head for a while. I have another story coming out too called "To The Moon and Back" which hopefully will be up later today. I started it before this one but for some reason this first chapter for this story has been easier to write. I still have to think things through with this so bare with me. I might not even continue. Who knows. I guess it depends on the feedback. _

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything

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**Hope for the Hopeless**

**Chapter One**

_If you're reading this, it means I'm dead. I took my own life. Ma and Pop, I want you to know that I'm sorry and that, it wasn't your fault. I hate that it has to come out this way, but…I'm—I'm a lesbian. I've been struggling with this and I knew you wouldn't approve. People at school call me names and I can't take the pain anymore. I couldn't take the pain anymore... and the thought of causing you more grief... I know you guys are fighting, I hear you late at night. Ma I hear you crying when Pop leaves. I'd rather be dead than cause you anymore stress._

_Frankie, Tommy… I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this but I just can't do this anymore. Frankie I'm sorry you had to see me cry so many times. I'm sorry I won't be there when you need me and I'm sorry you had a failure for a sister. I hope you still love me, because I'll always love you both, no matter what. Promise me you'll be there for each other and be good for Ma and Pop. Promise me you won't let each other down and always stand up for each other. _

_Promise me. _

_I have to go now; things are starting to get blurry. I love you all. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. _

_-Jane_

"Did you not write that?" The doctor asks softly, he folds the crinkled piece of notebook paper back up and puts it back inside the folder. Your folder.

You stare at him, blinking back tears. You weren't expecting someone to read back your suicide note. Then again, you weren't expecting to be alive right now. You swallow thickly and move your chin up a fraction of an inch. Defiant.

The doctor sighs and pulls off his glasses, leaning forward. "Jane, you're not going anywhere, not for a while. If you want to leave this place, you've got to make progress." He says as he folds his hands.

You clench your jaw and look down. "Can I go now?" Your voice sounds emotionless.

Another sigh. "Yes, you can go but we'll be meeting twice a week, Jane."

You're already up and out of the door before he can say anything else. Pulling your hood up over your head, you shove your hands into your sweatshirt pockets and head down to the rec room.

Being in a mental hospital was not on the agenda, but neither was being alive. You just got here a few days ago, after they released you from ICU.

Four days ago, you'd taken a handful of pills and wrote that suicide note and then slit your wrists. Your brother Frankie found you unconscious in your room barely breathing. They pumped your stomach and stitched up your cuts and when you woke up, you were strapped down.

They had run out of room upstairs in the mental ward so the room had been stripped down, nothing in there that you could hurt yourself on. Your mother was there, rubbing your bandaged arms, crying.

You remember the moment you opened your eyes and realized you were still alive, you started to cry. You couldn't even manage to fucking kill yourself. How could you have failed at that too?

"_Why couldn't you just let me die?" You yelled, startling your mother. You were angry. So angry. _

_Angela looked back at you, eyes wide. "Janie…" _

_You shook your head, tears flowing freely as you pulled at your restraints. "I-I want to go home!" Your thoughts were racing; they knew, everyone knew. All of your carefully constructed walls were broken and now you were vulnerable. _

"_You've got to stay here, baby… You need help." Angela said, her eyes brimming with tears. _

_You could feel your cheeks burning as you glared at your mother, heart racing. You felt like you were going to throw up. Your chest felt so heavy and you felt like some monster was going to burst out of your chest. "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE." You screamed, pulling harder at the straps on your arms. "I-I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU! LET ME GO HOME!" _

_You could see your mother's eyes flicker with hurt, but she swallowed and moved to brush your hair out of your face, rubbing your head. "I love you, Janie." She said softly, voice thick with tears. _

_And that was when you really started to cry. "Please, please mommy." You begged. "P-please…" You were sobbing and starting to hyperventilate. "I just…I…I just w..want to go ho…home." _

"_Shhh, breathe, baby." Angela murmured, running her fingers through your sweaty hair. Eventually, you had given in and your body relaxed. You let Angela put a cold rag on your forehead, the cold calming your racing heart; you let her take care of you because you were just too tired to care anymore. _

The memory of that is still fresh in your mind and it makes your body ache. You try to bury yourself further into your sweatshirt—no draw strings because you can't have anything that you could use to harm yourself—and enter the rec room.

There is a ping pong table, a TV, books and magazines, crayons, colored pencils and paper; and a nurse to babysit you and any other patients.

You sigh and move to sit at one of the tables, avoiding the other kids there. You are probably second oldest, 16. There are kids as young as 7 here and sometimes you wonder what they're in here for. It makes you sad that someone so young could possibly feel some of the things that you do, the pain.

Looking up, you notice that only a few people are here, all people you've seen before, until your eyes land on her.

She's so unexpected that you actually take off your hoody to get a better look at her. She's gorgeous. Honey blonde curls flowing down just past her shoulders. She's in a pair of black yoga pants and a teal shirt with a wide neck so that it slips partially down her left shoulder. She's sitting alone at one of the tables, looking nervous and uncomfortable.

Surely someone like her is here to visit someone, right?

She notices you staring at her and you quickly glance down, pulling your hood back over your head and after a moment you look back at her from the corner of your eye. She's still staring back at you, looking even nervous than before.

You want to get up and talk to her but that would break your number one rule—avoid everyone and don't speak unless spoken to.

Sighing, you weigh your options before you stand up slowly and move to her table. Without looking up, you take a seat next to her. You lift your head slightly and catch her wide hazel eyes and for a moment you're lost in them; for a moment, you're 8 years old and jumping in a pile of orange, green and brown leaves, laughing. Her eyes are like the Fall and they bore into your own with trepidation.

Finally you offer a very small smile. "Hey." You say quietly. It's the only thing you can think to say, you've spoken so little since you got here.

She blinks and visibly swallows. "H-Hello…" She stammers back.

You smile a little wider because her voice is soft and lovely and you feel a little more comfortable. "I'm Jane Rizzoli." You pull out your hand from your sweatshirt pocket and offer it to her.

Biting her lip, the girl stares at your hand before hesitantly putting her own hand in yours. "Maura, m-my name is Maura Isles." She replies shakily.

"Nice to meet you, Maura. Maura Isles." You tease with a small grin.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **_Chapter two for you. I hope you enjoy. I didn't really proof-read so any mistakes are my own. Oh and spoiler alert, Rondo will be in this fic. (: hehe. Your feedback helps, guys. _

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anyone except my own made up characters in this fic.

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**Chapter Two**

You feel like your heart is trying to break through your breast bone as you and your mother sit in the waiting room. You don't want to be here, you want to be home, surrounded by your science and your books. Logically you know that you need this—that you need some sort of help but the thought of being away from home, away from the safety of the walls of your room where no one can judge you; it's more than a little daunting. The thought of it all makes your breathing accelerate and you start to feel dizzy.

Your mother looks over at you and though her face appears emotionless you can read it in her eyes that she cares and that she is worried. She tentatively places a hand on your arm and speaks quietly. "Breathe, darling. This will be good for you."

"B-But what about—about Bass?" Your voice is weak and scared and it's a lame attempt at getting your mother to forget all about this.

Smiling tightly, Constance pats your arm. "I already told you, Maura; your little pet will be taken care of, I assure you."

Bass is much more than just a 'little pet' to you. He is the only friend you have. He doesn't judge you or tease you and he listens to everything you have to say with rapt attention. At least you think he does because he stares up at you when you speak to him. All the same, you love him.

You feel like everyone is looking at you, judging you. The thought is irrational because when you look up, the few people in the room are paying no attention to you but it still feels that way. It makes you feel sick to your stomach and you wished you hadn't eaten anything for breakfast this morning.

You've known what was wrong with you for a while now, but you never brought it up to your parents. The only reason they caught wind of it was because of the major panic attack you had at school and the councilor suggested you see a doctor. Social Anxiety Disorder. You'd looked it up when the symptoms first made their appearance. You had snuck into your father's study and searched through his books until you found one on Psychological Disorders.

You'd always been shy as a child and distant but you never seemed to grow out of it, in fact it only got worse. You could barely talk on the phone to a stranger without getting dizzy and sweaty palms.

"Maura Isles?" Your name startles you from your thoughts and you look up to see a young nurse holding a clipboard.

The time spent with the doctor was nerve wracking and only served to make you feel sick. You barely spoke much and when you did, your voice shook and you avoided eye contact.

"I think it'll do her some good to stay here with us, Mrs. Isles, she has severe symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder and perhaps some underlying things but with proper treatment, she'll be fine." The doctor says kindly.

Your mother nods. "We packed a bag just in case." She replies and you feel numb. You don't want to be here with all these people.

Nodding, the doctor stands to shake your mother's hand. "I'll have Nurse Kennedy sign her in and show her around the facility." He says with a nod.

Your mother turns to you as the doctor picks up his phone to call for the Nurse. You can feel your eyes brimming with tears but you blink them back and will your heart to calm itself. "You'll be fine, darling." Your mother says as she gently grabs both of your shoulders and moves in to kiss both of your cheeks.

A moment later a beautiful woman appears at the door. Her hair is dark and long and her eyes are bright and friendly. She looks no younger than 35. "Hi, sweetie. My name's Dominique, but you can call me Domi." Her voice is gentle and kind and her pink scrubs seem to swallow her slender frame.

You look back at your mother one more time before you lean down and pick up your bag before moving toward Dominique. She gently places a hand on your shoulder and leads you out of the doctor's office, leaving your mother to discuss your stay with the doctor.

"What's your name, sweet?" Domi asks gently as you both walk down the hall.

You swallow thickly and try to regulate your breathing. "M-Maura." You manage quietly.

Domi smiles brightly, her brown eyes lighting up. "Well it's nice to meet you, Maura. I know this place seems kind of scary but you might meet some nice people and we're only here to help you. If you ever need anything, you can always ask for me. Nurse Kennedy or Dominique." She says sincerely as she brings you to a desk with an older woman behind it.

"We've got another new one, Ida." Domi says as she gently takes your bag from you.

Ida takes the bag and unzips it and starts to search through your clothes. If you had the courage you would have protested, but Domi is already explaining. "We have to check and make sure you don't have anything that could potentially harm you or anyone." She says gently.

Ida folds everything neatly back into your bag the way she found it, save for the large book on Anatomy. She stares at you for a long moment. "I'll let you keep the book, sugar but you keep it in your bag, in your room, alright?" You nod at her, grateful she didn't confiscate your book. "Now, are you wearing any article of clothing with strings, or shoelaces?" She asks, peering over the desk.

You're wearing a simple pair of black yoga pants and a teal shirt with a wide neck and a pair of flats. You look down at yourself as if to make sure before you look up and shake your head.

Ida smiles down at you. "Good. None of your clothes have any draw strings either and all your shoes are flats. I hate taking things." The old lady says as she pushes the bag back toward you and Domi. Domi takes the bag and smiles at Ida.

After showing you your room and setting your things down, Domi continues to show you around and explaining the rules to you. Your last stop is the rec room.

"Right now is free period, so you can either go to your room or come in here and sit to read or draw or watch TV. Good behavior permits computer time." She explains to you as you take in the room. There aren't many people so you decide to take a seat at one of the empty tables.

Domi smiles and rubs your shoulder. "If you have any questions, feel free to ask any of the Nurses here or come and find me. You'll be alright, Maura." She promises with a soft smile.

Before you can even get the courage to say thank you, she's on her way. You're left to your thoughts once again. You glance around the room and sigh. The only good thing about this is that you don't have a roommate. Not yet anyway. The doctor didn't want to overwhelm you and you silently thank him.

A few moments later you notice someone else come into the room. You can't see their face due to the red hoody they're wearing. It seems to swallow them whole but by the looks of it, that's the way they want it.

You look away so as not to get caught staring and look down at your fingers. When you look back up you notice that the person in the hoody is a girl around your age. She's taken off the hood and is now looking at you. She's beautiful but you can see that something in her is broken. Her face is all sharp angles and at the same time soft. Her eyes are dark and sad and you wonder what they've seen.

You watch as she quickly looks back down, her dark curls hiding her face before she pulls the hood back over her head. You don't look away because there is just something about her. She looks back up at you and your eyes meet. You note that her own eyes seem to soften and just for a moment, a small smile curves her lips. You wonder what she's smiling about, if maybe there's something on your face.

Before you have time to panic over the thought, the girl is getting up and sitting next to you. Your heart is nearly in your throat now as she lets out a simple "Hey." It's quiet, but her voice is raspy and it sends a shiver down your spine.

You blink and try to make words. Your brain finally obeys as you stammer quietly back. "H-hello."

She smiles wider at you and introduces herself, holding out her hand. You look down at her hand, willing your own to meet it. It finally does and you shake it hesitantly. "Maura, m-my name is Maura Isles." You reply, your voice shaking.

Jane grins as she says, "Nice to meet you, Maura. Maura Isles."

You feel your cheeks flush and you glance down sadly. You've been here barely an hour and already you're getting teased.

A hand is gently placed on your arm and you look up to see Jane frowning. "Hey, I didn't mean any harm. I was just kidding." She says gently. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything. I'm sorry." She apologizes.

You look back up at her and study her face, looking for the lie but you don't see anything but sincerity. "O-Oh. I-I'm sorry." You stammer, fidgeting with your fingers.

Jane gives you a reassuring smile. "It's okay, you've got nothin' to apologize for—my fault. So did you just get here? I've been here all of two days and I haven't seen you around and I'd certainly remember a face like yours." She leans back in her chair and grins at you.

"A face like mine?" You ask quietly.

Jane seems to lose her cool façade that she'd just put on and flushes slightly. "Uh—Yeah, 'cause you're ya know…" She waves her hands around awkwardly as if grasping for words from the air. "Uh…beautiful, not someone like me, screwed up." Her voice gets quieter at the last part.

You tilt your head slightly. "Screwed up?" You're not sure where your nerves went but somehow you're not as scared as you were before when Jane first sat beside you. "I doubt you're screwed up." You say softly.

Jane looks up and her eyes are dark, her face hard. "I'm as fucked up as they come." She says darkly.

It startles you and you blink in confusion, unsure what to say.

Jane sighs. "Sorry," She apologizes, her face looking sad. Before she can say anything else, there's a Nurse saying that free time is over and it's time for lunch. Jane stands and offers a small smile. "Care to have lunch with me?" She asks, holding out her hand.

You mull it over for a second before taking her hand. "Sure." It's better than sitting alone and you know being around more people is going to make you uncomfortable so you hope that perhaps having Jane sitting next to you will make you feel less out of control; hope maybe she can distract you.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **_Weren't expecting a new chapter so quickly, were you? Uhh Didn't really proof-read so all mistakes are my own. I will be switching back and forth between Jane's POV and Maura's. Your feedback is loved and appreciated. I hope you enjoy~_

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but Domi.

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**Chapter Three**

At lunch, Jane had sat at the end of one of the tables and so you followed her, sitting beside her. She kept her hood up and avoided everyone. Except you. She asked you simple questions, nothing about why you were here and for that you were grateful. You showed her the same courtesy. You did your best to ignore the other kids who did the same to you and Jane. She talked about her favorite sports and what she liked to do in her free time and you… you talked about your science and Bass. It had felt a little like a small weight had been lifted off of your chest because as you talked, you had watched her face for any sign that she wasn't really interested.

But Jane only nodded and smiled and when it came to Bass she downright laughed. "You have a turtle? I bet he's real interactive…" She'd said and this time you caught the sarcasm and the fact that she was teasing you—but not in the way you were used to; in a way that…friends tease each other.

You'd smiled and narrowed your eyes and corrected her and she'd waved you off, taking a small bite of her food. You never knew what it was like to have a real friend. Sure there were your parent's friends' kids. But they definitely were not your friends. You had tried to be their friends but they did nothing but tease and taunt so whenever they came over, you would retreat to your family's library.

Soon lunch ended and you noted that Jane had barely touched any of her food but you didn't say anything. It wasn't your business. The next period was art, which was where you were at now.

You feel like you're at school the way everything is in periods. Art is held in the rec room. Kids of all ages have filled the chairs and there is low chatter as everyone waits for someone to come and supervise and give direction. You and Jane sit at one of the tables near the back, Jane still keeping her hood on and paying no attention to anyone but you.

A few moments later you smile as you notice Nurse Kennedy enter. She claps her hands to get everyone's attention then smiles when she has it. "Okay, guys. I'm giving you free reign today. Do what you want, so long as it is ART." She emphasizes the last word and narrows her eyes at a few of the kids. There are only 10 of you.

Her eyes move about the room as kids scramble to get supplies until she meets your gaze. She almost looks surprised as she looks from you to Jane but then she grins like she knows something you don't. She starts toward the two of you, still smiling. "Jane Rizzoli, how many times have I told you about that hood?" She asks playfully.

Jane snaps her head up to meet Dominique's gaze and she smiles a little and sighs. "Fine…" She grumbles as she slowly lowers the hood, revealing her mass of curls and dark eyes.

Dominique smiles at her kindly. "I like to see the faces of my young'ns." She says before she looks down at you. "Look at you, little Bambi, making friends with the wolf." She smirks and raises her brows.

Jane tries to scowl but she smirks instead at Domi. "Don't you have Nurse things to do?" She quips, blushing lightly.

You glance between them, thinking Domi must get all the patients to like her because so far Jane has only paid any attention to you and now Dominique.

"I'm doing them," She says as she gives a Cheshire like grin. "Get to watch you lot."

Jane raises a brow and then glances around her. "Well you don't seem to be doing a good job, because I'm pretty sure little Jake is eating glue…"

Like a rocket, Dominique is up and scrambling to the front where a 7 year old looks down at the Elmer's Glue stuck on his little fingers. "No, Jake! Glue is not for eating." She says, taking his hands before shooting Jane a glare.

Jane just grins at her before she looks back at you with the same smile. "So uh… Wanna do some art crap now?" You just smile and nod as you both get up and move to get supplies.

You've picked out some watercolor paints and a paintbrush but you can't seem to reach the paper you want. Jane comes up behind you and reaches up, her sweatshirt sleeve slipping down her arm as she grabs the sheet of paper you were reaching for. You're startled at first but then your eyes go to the fresh scars on her arm. They're an angry red, a pale comparison to her olive toned skin.

Most of the skin there is puckered and raw like the cuts were close together, perhaps some in the same place. One large one is so deep it has stitches that have yet to be removed. Your heart feels like ice in your chest, numbing you to the bone and you want to reach out and run your fingers over the old scars and the new ones, but you refrain and act as if you hadn't seen a thing. You now understand a little why Jane hides in her sweatshirt.

As Jane's arm lowers, you turn to see her smiling at you. "Here ya go, shorty." She says, backing slightly and handing you the paper. It takes her a moment to realize her sleeve is still slightly raised and as you take the paper from her hand, she quickly pulls her sleeve down, her face contorting into panic as she glances up at you.

You smile lightly and take a breath. "Thank you, Jane. Should we head to the table?" You ask quietly, completely ignoring her moment of panic and the fact that you've seen something that Jane probably wasn't ready to show you.

She seems to breathe a sigh of relief and nods dumbly.

You both sit quietly, you painting and her coloring…something. She hasn't said anything to you and you're a little worried, but you just tell yourself that she's concentrating. You glance over at her, watching curiously as she bites her lip and turns her sheet around and around, switching out colored pencils. You can't really tell what it is she's making by the way she's hunched over it, so you go back to painting.

You've never really been good at art but you do find this cathartic in a way. You're not really painting anything particular, just letting your hand flourish over the paper, watching the paint as it transfers from brush to paper. It soothes you somehow and you get lost in it. You get so caught up in it that it takes you a moment to realize that Jane is gently touching your shoulder, a smile on her face.

"Hey, you okay?" She asks gently as you look at her.

You blush lightly and smile. "Oh, yes. I'm fine. I was just—concentrating." You say as you glance back at the painting. It's a mixture of different colors, blues, reds, purples and oranges. Bright and lovely like the setting sun. It actually turned out nice, you think.

"That's real pretty." Jane says, bringing your attention back to her.

A grin spreads across your face because you know she's being genuine. "Th-thank you." You say brightly.

Jane nods and pulls out her own picture from behind her back and holds it out to you. "Here—I uh…I made you this." You can see now that she's blushing and you look down at the picture and gasp. The entire paper is covered. It's like swirly tie-dye with your name popping out bright white in the middle.

"It's—It's," You search your brain for something adequate before you come up with one. "cool." You finish.

She looks at you and bursts out laughing. "You've never said that word in your life, have you?" She asks as you take the picture from her hands.

You narrow your eyes at her, but smile. "Yes…no…yes." You're not sure, really.

Jane raises a brow. "Yes or no. Simple question. Say it with me, Yes. No." She teases.

"Yes… but maybe not in the context I just used it." You reply with a chuckle.

Later on when it's curfew, Jane walks you to your room and says goodbye. You watch her walk down the hall, pulling up her hood.

You sigh and go into your room, shutting the door behind you and hanging up Jane's picture she made you, above your twin size bed. You put on your pajamas and pull out your book on Human Anatomy before you settle in bed and open to where you left off.

Of course after five minutes you realize you're not going to focus on your book, not with Jane running around through your head. You wonder what the story is behind her scars, what _her_ story is.

You sigh, knowing you won't be getting much sleep tonight.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **_Hiya. sorry for the small wait. I've been sick and blah, but here ya go. Didn't really proof-read all the way so all mistakes are my own. _

**Disclaimer: **Any character you don't recognize is mine. The rest belong to Tess and Jtam and TNT and blahblah

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**Chapter Four**

You can feel her eyes on you as you walk down the hall and you can't help yourself. You stop and turn around to see a flash of honey blonde hair just as she turns and enters her room, shutting the door. You can't help the goofy smile that settles on your face as you stand there a moment, thinking; thinking about her eyes and her smile and—

"Watch it lil Vanilla." You're startled from your thoughts as an older black man in blue tries to move past you with a mop and a bucket. His name tag reads 'Rondo'

You immediately look down at your worn, red high tops with no shoelaces and move to the side. "Sorry." You mumble quietly.

Rondo chuckles softly and you lift your head a little to see him leaning on his mop, a knowing grin on his face. "I seen you watchin' her." He says with a sparkle in his eye.

Your brows furrow and you pretend to look confused, hoping he doesn't see the flush in your cheeks. "I dunno what you're talking about." You say gruffly.

The black man only grins wider. "I know what I saw, lil Vanilla. You want that sweet Caramel. Rondo knows, he sees." He nods and looks at Maura's closed door back, then back to you.

You give him a scowl and shake your head. "You're crazy, man. I gotta go. It's curfew."

He laughs as you walk away and his words only seem to make you pick up your pace. "Sure, lil Vanilla. Rondo's the eyes and ears. I know it all!"

When you finally reach your room, you sigh. Your roommate is already in her bed. You know nothing about her except her name. Neither of you bothered to ask about each other, you don't talk, just go about your own routines.

You move quietly, changing into your pajamas before you slip into your own bed and close your eyes. The first night here you cried. You had cried so hard that you started to have trouble breathing, but managed to keep quiet; at least you think you did because your roommate, Alyssa didn't move from her bed located across from you.

Instead of the hollow feeling that usually fills you when you're trying to sleep, your thoughts drift to Maura. As you get comfortable, your hand drifts over your scars and you immediately think of Maura seeing them. You know she saw them, but her reaction wasn't what you were expecting. You had expected her to be repulsed and judge you but she had just continued on as if nothing had happened.

There wasn't even a look of pity either, which is usually the other emotion people show if it isn't disgust. You honestly couldn't tell what look had crossed her face but you know she didn't feel sorry for you and if she was disgusted, then surely she would have said so. From what you had gathered, Maura was a rather forward person when you got her talking.

You shake your head and sigh, pulling the pillow over your face. You need to stop thinking about her and sleep. But then suddenly you're wondering why she's here. What's someone so beautiful and smart doing in a place like this? What's she doing hanging out with someone like you…? The thought makes you huff in annoyance and you turn over on your side, putting the pillow back under your head.

_Sleep_. You tell yourself and eventually, after more thoughts of Maura, you do.

The next time you open your eyes it's 7:30 in the morning. You sigh and look to see that your roommate has already gotten up, bed made. Groaning, you turn over on your stomach and hide your face in your pillow, missing the days of being able to sleep in. You know if you aren't up by 8, you'll miss breakfast and one of the nurses will be in to drag you out.

But today is supposed to be a good day. You remember your parents and your brothers are supposed to come visit you. That thought has you up and grudgingly getting dressed. You pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, followed by a different sweatshirt from yesterdays, a black one this time. It swallows your thin frame, 2 sizes too big. Just the way you like them.

After you finish getting ready, you pull your hood over your head and walk out to the cafeteria. As soon as you enter, your eyes search the room and spot the person they're looking for. Maura sits in the same spot you both sat yesterday. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a blue long sleeved shirt with a pair of black flats. Her hair is pulled back in a French braid and little wisps of escaped hair curl lightly around her beautiful face.

Your stomach flutters at the sight and you have to remind yourself to breathe. She looks nervous and there's no food in front of her which makes you frown. She's looking down and fidgeting with her fingers, anxiety written plainly across her face. This makes you hurry over to her.

"Hey, Maur." You say gently so as not to startle her.

She looks up and you swear a look of relief flitters across her face before a beautiful smile creases her lips. "Jane," She says your name like she's been waiting for you her whole life, like she hadn't expected to see you.

You smile at her, unable to help it. "Why haven't you gotten anything to eat yet?" You ask as you take a seat beside her.

Maura looks up at the small line that has gathered and swallows. "I—I—was…" She falters and her cheeks turn bright red. "I can't…" She finally says helplessly.

You look at her confused and she looks down, embarrassed. Instead of asking why, you hold out your hand to her. She looks up at you for a moment before hesitantly putting her hand in yours. You get up and pull her up with you, leading her to the line.

Maura's hand tightens in your own as you grab a tray for both of you and set it on the slated surface and glance through the glass at what's for breakfast. "She'll have eggs and fruit and I just want eggs and toast." You say to the lunch lady who nods and fills two plates before setting them on top of the glass.

You lift one plate at a time and set them each on their respective trays before moving down the line. You grab a carton of milk for yourself and then look at Maura who grabs apple juice for herself and finally releases your hand as you both reach the end of the line.

Immediately, you miss the warmth of her hand in yours and silently curse yourself for the thought. You can't fuck this up. When you're with her, you forget about everything that hurts. You don't feel alone anymore. When she smiles at you it's like she's crawled inside you and shone a flashlight in all of the darkest places that reside inside your heart and you feel light for a moment; you feel like maybe you can get through another day.

As you take your seats, Maura looks up you and smiles bashfully. "Thank you," She takes a breath and fidgets with her hands a moment. "I—I have Social Anxiety Disorder…" She says quietly, her eyes downcast.

You frown slightly at the sad look on her face. She's beautiful even when she's sad. "That sucks, but doesn't sound like you belong here." You say gently.

Maura looks up at you and sighs. "My mother seems to think so, but who knows—I may have some other sort of disorder. One of the Psychiatrists here is daddy's close friend." She looks down again, frown deepening. "I'm an embarrassment to my parents…"

Anger suddenly flares up inside you. You're not sure why you feel so fiercely protective of her even though you haven't known her long, but you can't help it. You tamp it down and instead place an arm around her shoulders. "I doubt that, Maur. I've known you all of a day and I already think you're pretty great." You give her a grin when she looks up at you like you've just said something meaningful and you realize that to her, it is.

She smiles so brightly back at you that a dimple indents in her right cheek and you nearly melt at the sight. That smile makes your heart feel like a bird fluttering around in your chest, looking for a way out. But the smile falters and with it, so does your heart. "I—I have my first appointment today. I'm really nervous, I don't know if I can eat."

You give her a reassuring smile and rub her arm. "Just eat the fruit, get something in you, you'll be okay."

Maura looks at you and then at the fruit before she finally nods. "Okay." She says as she begins to eat slowly. You smile wider and feel better knowing that she's eating something. You decide that you'll try to eat a little more since she is.

You both chat quietly while you eat and as you're both cleaning up after yourselves, you notice Domi coming toward you. A small smirk settles on her lips as she glances between the two of you but it quickly disappears as she nears you both and is instead replaced with a friendly smile.

"Hey you two," She says as a way of greeting.

You roll your eyes with a smirk and Maura looks shy but still smiles a little.

Domi slides between the two of you and wraps an arm around each of your shoulders, walking you both down the halls. "Jane, you've got some visitors in the rec room and Maura, you've got an appointment."

"Okay. Can you give Maur and me a sec?" You ask as you stop in the middle of the hall, causing both Domi and Maura to stop as well.

Dominique raises a brow and looks as though she's about to say something but you give her a look and she just smiles and nods, stepping away for a moment.

Once the nosy nurse is far enough away, you turn to look at Maura who is looking at you with doe eyes, nervous. You know she's thinking about her appointment. Placing your hands on her shoulders you smile. "You'll be fine, I promise. You don't even gotta talk if you can't. Just think of something that calms you down, makes ya happy—think of—think of all that science you do instead of what makes you so nervous around people and maybe that'll help you be able to think more clearly?

"They can't make you talk if you aren't ready, but sometimes it helps I guess. Anyway, you'll be okay. I promise." You're not sure if any of that made sense or if it was encouraging but at least you tried. You've never been good at comforting or with feelings period but you can't help the feeling of wanting to comfort her, protect her from all the hurt.

Maura smiles and looks a little less nervous. "Thank you, Jane." She says softly, placing a hand on one of yours and squeezing gently before she takes a breath and turns toward Domi.

The nurse is leaning against the wall, trying to look as though she hadn't been paying you and Maura any attention but you know she was doing her best to take in every action and every word spoken. As Maura walks up to her, Domi looks back at you and smiles before she gently puts a hand on Maura's shoulder and leads her away.

You sigh and shake your head, heading toward the rec room. As you walk the halls, you can't help the little flutters of excitement to see your family. Though you loath to admit it, you've missed them and all their annoying habits.

As you open the door, you are nearly knocked over by two bodies. One is almost as tall as you while the other reaches your elbow. Frankie and Tommy are hugging you fiercely and you can barely get your arms from under them so that you can hug them back. When they release, you sink down to your knees so you're more at their level. You pull them back in for another hug, fighting back tears.

Frankie is the first to pull away and he helps you stand back up. He's getting so tall now at 13. Even Tommy who's only 9 looks as though he's grown a few inches since you've last seen him. He still clings to you as you stand up so you pull him up your hip. He's outgrown this long ago but you can feel him crying so you hold the scrawny little boy tightly.

Normally Frankie would tease his younger brother for crying but he only looks on sadly and pats his younger brother's back before he turns his head away.

You whisper a few words of comfort in Tommy's ear before you look up to see your mother who looks on the verge of tears but she smiles despite it. You look around her and then around the empty rec room, looking for your father.

Your confusion must show because your mother looks down uncomfortably but she doesn't answer your silent question, so you say it out loud. "Where's Pop?"

Angela's body tenses and she looks back up at you, fidgeting with her purse, her eyes sad. "I'm sorry, Janie." She says quietly.

Tommy's arms wrap tightly around your neck and you feel the boy shudder against you. Frankie looks angrily down at the floor. "Pop left…" He mumbles.

You feel like you're going to faint, like the rug was pulled out from under you. Your heart feels cold, like someone has shoved an icicle through it and is just twisting it slowly. Your arms wrap tighter around Tommy because you can feel yourself slipping from the real world and you just want something to anchor you here.

"Janie…" Your name is garbled, like you're underwater. You're starting to get dizzy and your vision is blurring, black dots are swarming around you but you hear your name again and force yourself to resurface and take a breath.

You blink and realize you've started to cry. "When? Why?" The words leave your mouth quick and hard as you set Tommy down but he clings to your side like a small child. It's your fault.

That's all it comes down to.

Your fault.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: **_Hey! Thanks to those who watched me write this on , it helped me from getting distracted. So here's this chapter. I hope it's satisfactory. (: btw, if you want to know what Dominique looks like, google Michaela Conlin. If you want to know what Dr. Kessler looks like, google Zoie Palmer. c: Enjoy and let me know what you think if you get the chance!_

**Disclaimer: **Any character you don't recognize is mine, otherwise everything else belongs to Tess, JTam and TNT.

* * *

**Chapter Five**

Your heart feels as though it's trying to tattoo itself to your breastbone as Domi leads you to an office. The plaque on the door reads, Dr. Emilia Grace Kessler. Your brows furrow slightly because you were sure you were going to be seeing a man… your father's friend, but then again there is a sense of relief that it is a woman. You're not sure why but you would just feel even more uncomfortable with some older man silently judging you.

Domi knocks on the door until there is a faint, "Come in!" You both enter and the room is not what you were expecting. There is a small desk in the corner that houses a computer and probably files in the drawer but there are two chairs in the center of the room, and a coffee table in the middle. Behind the table, against the wall is a very comfortable looking couch. The room is painted a neutral color, calming and it smells like vanilla. There are bookshelves that are filled to the brim with books, big and small and then you notice a tiny woman with dirty blonde hair and soft brown eyes. She looks like she's in her early thirties.

"Hey, Em-" Domi is the first one to speak but she seems to catch herself on the name as the doctor looks up at her with a look that you can't place. "—Dr. Kessler." Domi finishes, a light pink flush spreading throughout her cheeks, but just as quickly as it came, it disappears and Domi has already schooled her features with a smile. "Your new patient. This is Maura Isles."

Dr. Kessler smiles at you and holds out her hand for you to shake. "I'm Dr. Kessler, but you are free to call me Emilia if it makes you feel more comfortable." She says calmly as you nervously shake her hand. Domi turns to leave and you're left alone with Dr. Kessler. "Take a seat." She gestures to the cliché looking couch in the room and you move toward it hesitantly.

The room is quiet save for the shuffling of papers as Dr. Kessler gathers her things and then comes to sit in a large chair across from you. "So, Maura… What brings you here?" She asks with a gentle smile.

You're quiet for a moment, glancing mostly anywhere but her face. You remember Jane saying that you didn't have to talk. As if the doctor reads your mind, she speaks again. "It's okay, you don't have to talk… I can talk." She leans back in her chair and your eyes snap to hers for a brief moment. Her eyes are the color of coffee, light. "It says that you're here because you have a severe case of social anxiety." She says it in a matter of fact way, her eyes watching your movements. It makes you nervous the way she studies you.

"Yes…" You finally say, your voice is quiet.

She smiles reassuringly. "I'm not here to judge you, Maura. In fact, I'm the very last person who's going to judge you. I'm here to listen and to help if I can. However I can't help you if you don't let me." Dr. Kessler pushes a strand of dirty blonde hair behind her ear while her other hand absently plays with the pen in her hand. "Is there another reason you're here?" She asks after a moment.

You fidget in your seat, hands moving over one another in your lap. "I—I don't know." You stammer, eyes finding a spot on the carpet. "My mother and father thought it best that I stay here…I thought I was going to see a friend of my father's." You chance a glance up at the doctor; she's still watching you with rapt attention.

"Well, he referred you to me. Would you prefer someone else? It's pertinent that you are comfortable with your doctor." She says seriously.

Your eyes widen slightly. You're anxious but you're a lot more comfortable with her than you would have expected. "No! I mean… Yes, I'm comfortable… Well, as comfortable as I can be… Actually I'm rather relieved…" You admit quietly.

Dr. Kessler smiles again. "Good. You can call me Emilia by the way—unless Dr. Kessler makes you more comfortable." She chuckles a little and writes something down on her pad. Briefly you wonder what it is that she could possibly be writing down, you've only been here for 7 minutes.

When she glances back up at you, you try to smile back at her. "Thank you… Emilia." You try her name out quietly and decide that you would much rather call her by her first name. The formal 'Dr. Kessler' reminds you of the true reason you're here.

"Okay, Maura… so let's try this again, what is it you want to talk about while your with me? Do you want to talk about what you've been feeling lately? What triggers your anxiety? Maybe you have something else accompanying those anxious feelings?" She raises a perfectly sculpted eyebrow in curiosity.

You take a deep breath and think about it for a moment. "I've known about my social anxiety for a while, but it wasn't until I had a panic attack at school that my parents found out." Your voice shakes slightly as your thoughts move over the memory like a movie. "I remember feeling like people were staring at me and then my thoughts started racing and I just—" You bite your lip, trying to describe what it was like. You've never been good at expressing yourself, not that you've ever really been given a chance.

It's not as though you've had people around you to talk about how you feel. You've spent most of your time alone, engrossed in books and science. And that's okay, you suppose. You've never minded being alone, in fact a lot of the times, you relished in it.

"You just what, Maura?" Emilia's voice breaks you from your thoughts.

"I don't—I'm not sure, I'm not really good at this…"

"At what?"

You sigh almost irritably and close your eyes for a moment. "Talking. Talking about me. People don't care what I have to say." You're suddenly angry for some reason but the feeling dissipates slowly because that statement isn't entirely true anymore. You've met someone here who seems to hang on your every word.

"What's that smile?" Emilia cocks her head to one side, a curious smile on her face.

You hadn't realized that you started to smile. "I—well, I guess that's not true anymore. I met someone here who—who I'm not so anxious around." Your eyes drift to hers for a moment before they move away to the wall behind her.

"So you've never really had someone to talk to before coming here?" She asks. Her voice isn't condescending, it's kind and curious. She doesn't ask who this person is, she doesn't invade or prod you further, she waits for your cue.

You shake your head. "No, I've never been good at making friends." You supply timidly.

About an hour later, you've talked about things you never thought you would with anyone, except for maybe Jane. That thought scares you because you've only just met Jane, yet you are more comfortable with her than you are with your Psychiatrist who is bound by law to keep your secrets.

You're about to say something else when the door bounds open, startling both you and Emilia. Domi is standing in the doorway looking frazzled and… sporting a black eye.

Suddenly it feels as though your heart is in your stomach and your hands move to grip the cushions beneath you.

"Dominique?" Emilia stands quickly. "What is it?" She asks worriedly.

Domi's eyes shift nervously toward yours and that's when you know.

Jane.

You stand up quickly and with shaking hands you smooth out your pants and you go to move but you realize that you have no idea where to go.

Dominique runs a hand through her dark hair. "I came for Maura… She—I mean," She sighs and shakes her head. "Jane Rizzoli is in solitary…" She looks at you sadly.

"W-what?" You squeak out, tears already burning at the back of your throat. "What happened?" You can hear your voice and feel yourself moving but it's as if you have no control over your actions.

Emilia grabs your arm and looks at Domi with confusion in her eyes. "What happened to your eye? What does this have to do with Maura?" You hadn't told Emilia about Jane yet. You had talked briefly about her, but never mentioned her name.

Domi looks torn. "Look, they had to give the kid a mild sedative and she's… well, it's not working so good and I thought that maybe if she could see someone who she liked, she might calm down…"

You're numb.

"If she's in solitary then that means she isn't permitted to see anyone except medical staff—"

Dominique cuts her off. "Emilia…" Her voice is a mixture between a plea and a warning. It's then that through your haze you realize that they probably know each other on more of a personal level and not just a doctor/nurse setting.

After a moment, Emilia releases your arm and Dominique gently takes your hand and gives the blonde doctor behind you a stiff nod before she leads you out of the door.

Once you're a ways down the hall, Dominique looks down at you. "C'mon, Bambi, you can't go in there crying." She stops you and turns you to face her. You hadn't realized that you had started to cry. Quickly you swipe away the tears and sniffle. "Jane's gonna be fine, and listen, you can't tell anyone I'm doing this, okay?" She waits for your meek nod before she continues walking, gently pulling you along.

Domi doesn't explain what happened as you both walk briskly down the relatively empty halls, and you're not sure whether it's because she doesn't know or it's because it's not her place to say. Either way, you're not sure you could handle it right now. All you can think about is your new friend, alone and in distress. A thought suddenly hits you; how are you supposed to comfort her? You've never done anything of the sort so you don't even know where to begin.

Before you can even stop to tell Domi that you have second thoughts about this, you're turning down a hallway and it's then that you hear it. Screaming. It's hoarse and angry and sad and unintelligible save for the few expletives. You know the voice. Even after just two days, you'd recognize it anywhere.

Dominique stops you both in front of the door and glances around before looking down at you. "She needs someone, Bambi, and it's gotta be you. You're the only person she's talked to since she got her except me, so…" She trails off, biting her lip. "It'll be okay, sweetie. Just…go in there and talk to her."

You can feel your eyes welling with tears and you're sure that you look like 'bambi' now more than ever; a scared deer in the headlights. You are about to walk into something way out of your element. "W-what d-do I s…say?" You stammer out.

A small, sad smile creases Dominique's lips and she winces slightly as it reaches the bruise forming around her eye. "Anything, sweetie. Talk about anything, just let her know you're there. She's strapped down…" She adds the last part quietly and absently she touches her eye.

You take a deep, shuddering breath and nod. "Okay."

"Okay." Dominique mimics with a nod, slowly opening the door. "I'll be outside the door."

As you enter, the screaming gets louder and your eyes go wide at the sight before you. Jane is strapped to the bed, pulling against her restraints and crying out. Her face is red and tear stained but her eyes are closed as she goes from screaming angrily to sobbing pitifully. "M-My fault…" She whimpers. It's the only thing you can make out through the incoherent ramblings. "I—I—'m s…orry!" And then her body lifts from the bed like she's possessed and your heart feels like it breaks in two at the sight.

You approach slowly and against your better judgment, you reach out with a shaking hand a grip her clenched, fist. Her body jerks and she falls back against the bed, and lets out another angry cry. "Jane!" You say over her, surprised at how strong it is. She's quiet for a moment so you speak once more. "Jane, it's me, Maura…" For a moment, Jane doesn't stop her struggling but your hand tightens around her fist and then her body relaxes. Brown eyes open and meet yours and then Jane lets out a quiet sob.

"M-Maura…" Her voice is so hoarse from screaming. "T-they hate me…" She says through tears. "Y-you sh…should hate me t-too."

Your jaw clenches a little in an attempt to keep your emotions at bay. "Who hates you?" You finally say, moving closer to the bed and gently brushing away sweaty curls.

Jane closes her eyes at the gesture. "M'family…" She mumbles and her muscles flex under the restraints. Your eyes drift over her body and you note her arms are bruises and her knuckles are swollen and split. "My—my pop left, 'cause of me." Her voice is weak and you can tell now that she's calmed down some that the sedative they've given her is starting to take more of an effect.

You're not sure what she means, but you run your fingers up and down her arm in hopes that it soothes her. "That's not true, Jane…" You say quietly. "You should sleep, don't fight it."

Jane mumbles something that you can't make out and lets out a shuddering breath. You watch her muscles slowly relax under your touch.

"Don't fight it…"


End file.
